Blondies Good Bad and Ugly

I consider myself a pretty reflective person. I like to reflect on things and see what areas I can improve in or what could use some rearranging. However, as much as I reflect, I don’t always change my habits. One of my downfalls is noticing something needs to be changed, but not wanting to rearrange it. All the while knowing it could just do more damage in the long run. I’m a creature of habit, so once I get myself into one, good or bad, it will become part of my routine. 

At the beginning of the year, I made some of my own New Year’s Resolutions. I tried to be intentional and realistic with them this year (unlike years prior). So, at 11:58 on December 31st, I found myself sitting under my kitchen island, grapes in hand and listening to some friends countdown to 2025. I told myself this year I would journal more, stop swearing so much (I know it’s not ladylike, sorry mom), and say yes more. Yes to last minute plans, yes to new opportunities, and maybe even yes to the book that’s already on my bookshelf instead of buying a new one. Saying yes also means that I’ll stop self sabotaging and actually do the things I want. I’ll say my own yes rather than allow the thoughts of others to make the decision for me. However, like many resolutions, mine quickly lost fire. 

A few weeks after the semester started, I stopped in to see one of my favorite professors, Geoff. He has taught most of my journalism courses the past two years and now that I have finished the fun part of my degree, I don’t see him in class anymore. Geoff has this aura about him that’s calming and really makes students feel at ease. When I sat down across from him, I heard myself admit that I felt like I had been stuck in a daze (something I had yet to admit to myself). Everyday was feeling the same. I was there, showing up and doing the work, but not fully there if that makes sense. I was always thinking about something or someone else. I had been in this mental fog and just watching myself go through the motions. I felt this imaginary weight come off my chest as soon as the words came out. Later that day after my little Geoff therapy session, I finally realised just how exhausted I had been living the past few weeks as a to-do list: checking things off as I go. 

Shortly after this, I received a letter in the mail from an old friend of mine, Parker. As I read all the updates from her, I felt my smile grow wider and my heart grow heavy with gratitude. I was so grateful to have a friend that I haven’t seen in close to a year think of me when she writes. A friend who cares to update me on all things, and in return asks for all my updates, big and small. (And let’s be honest, handwritten letters are my love language.) Towards the end of her letter, Parker explained that this year she is really trying to make an effort to slow down. 

My conversation with Geoff and Parker’s letter gave me a bit of a reality check: it’s my last semester of college and I’ve been running through the motions rather than appreciating it. I had been putting my energy into things that just weren’t filling my cup like I thought they would: grades, boys, pleasing others, the list goes on. It’s exhausting trying to keep with the expectations of others. So, I decided to challenge myself and change my outlook. I’m coming up on some of my “lasts” and I don’t want to look back and wish I did something different. These next few months are some of the last times that my friends and I will be all together as students. Hanging out with them won’t be as easy as running down the stairs of our apartment building or meeting on campus between our classes. 

Even deeper than that, life is short and my 20’s are even shorter. I’m the worst at letting what other people think of me influence my own decisions. But, if I can’t control their opinions of me, why do I let it bother me? (A million dollar question honestly.) In her book, Everything I Know about Love, Dolly Alderton wrote, “You’re moving out of the realm of fantasy “when I grow up” and adjusting to the reality that you’re there; it’s happening.” 

If you would have asked me five years ago where I saw myself in the future, I would not have dreamed of my life today. School was never something that I enjoyed or really even tried at. I was an average student in high school who saw college as a one-way ticket to get out of the town I grew up in. Now here I am, finally realizing that I am living in the “when I grow up” years. Soon I’ll graduate with a double major and honors cords, published articles I’ve written, and four years worth of priceless memories with some of the best people God has given me. So here’s to the next two months of slowing down, appreciating the time I have now, enjoying the “lasts”, saying yes more and making my own damn decisions! 

If you find yourself stuck in a daze, I encourage you to stir your cereal and change your outlook. Slow down and enjoy the moments you’ve been given now.