Blondies Good Bad and Ugly

Happy Halloween, Friends! Let’s be honest (and spooky) for a moment, anxiety is real. But, it is a liar. Anxiety tells you “you won’t succeed”, “you’ll never be good enough”, or my personal fav “everyone is going to judge you”. I’ve had friends say they experience rapid heartbeat, sweat and restlessness. If you’re anything like me, your neck might get red and blotchy and it feels hard to hear, almost like everything is being muffled out with earplugs.

The first time I vividly remember experiencing anxiety was when I was only 8 years old. It was the first day of third grade and my parents had walked us kids into school. My sister thought she was too grown to have mom or dad walk her to her class. So, mom took my little brother to his home room and my dad took me to mine. He held my hand as we stood outside the door waiting to meet my new teacher. 

 “When you get in there I want you to shake her hand and introduce yourself,” he told me. I was so excited. I was meeting someone who I was going to get very familiar with over the next 9 months, I wanted to make a good impression. I remember walking into the classroom ready to do just as I was told. Except when I got there, I froze. Seeing a few other students already seated at their desk, I just couldn’t bring myself to speak. At the age of 8 I was already worrying what other people thought of me. 

The truth is, not a single one of those third graders were judging my every move like I thought they were. It was a lie my brain had been telling me (and continues to tell me). I had no idea at the time what anxiety was, but it only grew from there.

For nearly two years I worked as a patient care tech. The first hospital I worked at was in my hometown and I loved that one very much. It was small and I quickly grew to know all the staff that I worked with. The nurses taught me so much and were some of the best mentors to me. The second one, however, wasn’t exactly the same. 

I went from a small hospital to a huge hospital in the middle of Dallas. (Spoiler: Dallas is way bigger than my hometown!) I got hired as a tech in the float pool, meaning I would be sent anywhere in the hospital that needed help. It sounded great in the beginning, where I could experience different units and see different types of nursing. I quickly realized that it wasn’t as great as I thought it would be. I didn’t know what unit I would be working on until I got to work the morning of. Every morning that I worked, I would go to the main office and it was there that I was told where I was headed for the next 12.5 hours. Because this hospital was so large, it terrified me to think where I might be sent. Could it be the NICU or Emergency? Could it be hematology, gastroenterology, or maybe ECMO? I could literally be sent anywhere. I’m sure you can imagine the anxiety this gave me.

I had class during the week so I worked at least every Saturday and picked up split shifts when I could. Thursday afternoons I would start to feel it. Like clockwork, the anxiety would begin to bubble up in my stomach. Sitting in class, my hands would start to shake and my chest would feel tight. There were a few times it got so intense that I would make myself physically sick. It made it tough for me to sleep and I would toss and turn all throughout the night. One shift would put me into nearly three days of pure anxiety. 

As real as anxiety is, we are not meant to be consumed by those feelings and emotions. Life should not be lived worrying about our next step, shaking every time we have to walk into the grocery store alone or making ourselves sick over everyday tasks. Anxiety is scary, I’m not denying that; it shouldn’t be this extreme that it stops us from wanting to live life.  

Over the summer I felt I had a good grip on my anxiety. I was doing a lot better than I had been during the winter and spring. I was being poured into by a supportive and loving community and allowing myself to pour that love and support into others. I was working full time at a summer camp that I really enjoyed. I was doing well in my summer course and spending more time with friends and family, it felt great. 

Inevitably, the fall semester started and I was trying to juggle all those new responsibilities without help. After that first week of class, I felt like I broke. I was sitting in my last class of the day with a small number of people, which wasn’t unusual for me. At this point I know nearly everyone in my classes. (Side note: there are only a handful of upper level journalism students.) My professor was going on about the syllabus and her expectations for the semester. It started with my mouth feeling dry, followed by looking down and noticing my hands were a little shaky. It was hard for me to pinpoint exactly where it was coming from but I knew I was about to snap. I held it together until the end of class; I made it to my car and then lost it. It hit me like a truck, where I couldn’t calm myself down or stop the tears from falling.  

Because I was doing great for the past few months, that one anxiety attack made me feel like I had fallen back to the bottom. As dramatic as it sounds, I felt like an addict who had just relapsed. My thought was, since it had been so long that I felt like this (anxious) that it would take even longer this time to get it together again. This also was a lie.

In the midst of my breakdown, there were lyrics that kept coming into my mind. “When the night’s at its darkest, that’s when the light hits the hardest.” These lyrics are from a worship song, “Don’t you give up on me” by Brandon Lake. Something in me kept repeating this over and over again. Eventually, I started to calm down. If you’ve never listened to this song, I encourage you to. The song starts out as a conversation between God and one of his children. “I see you, child, though you can’t see me. And I know your thoughts, before you even think. I heard every last prayer you prayed. Though I answered all the time, you just didn’t hear my reply. And I know it’s not easy, oh. Don’t you give up on me.” 

This song alone is such a big reminder to me about God and the love He has for us. He is always there, even when we can’t feel it. There is so much more to experience in life than anxiety. The song continues to say, “Don’t lose your hope, Don’t lose your faith, That’s where your fight is. I got more dreams, I got more plans, I got more blessings.” Even in the midst of a breakdown, God reminded me that there is so much more coming my way. He has so much more for me to do: more dreams, more plans, and more blessings. 

Matthew 11:28 reads, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Though I myself am still perfecting the act of giving it all up to Him, just wanting to is such a big step. God wants us to have a relationship with Him. He wants us to give Him our burdens and pain, He died on the cross for these reasons. 

Anxiety is real. Anxiety is scary. Anxiety is hard. But friend, you have an omniscient God on your side. One who gave His life so that you could live yours. I know it is hard to give up control and surrender things to Him, but it is oh so worth it in the end.